Complicated

My life has been the epitome of complicated.

My family is complicated.
I have no idea how a functional family lives.
Until now, it still complicates my life, every single step of the way..
I don't know how to live with them.
I thought I couldn't love my parents, I could still love my siblings..
But in truth, I couldn't love them anymore..
As hard as I tried, it is so very tiring to be in a one-sided relationship..

Love life has always been complicated.
I have wrong concepts of everything..
It gets the most frustrating when it comes to love..
I guess since I have never receive family love, I have weird view when it comes to BGR..
I just gets so overboard when I met someone with the least bit of interest in me..
Meaning I have very little/none self-esteem that I would jump at the very attention any guy give me..

It was painful when I was still single.
I would jump at the guy, responding to every signal, getting so sensitive, that I usually drove them away..
In the end, I was left with a broken heart..
Or for the guys who sincerely liked me but I don't reciprocate, I hurt them..

Now that I am in a stable relationship, it gets complicated twice.
First, when I entered work and I met W for the first time..
I got in a complicated relationship with him because I wouldn't divulge that I was in a relationship..
I got a marathon done better than the first out of that, but other than that, it ended badly..

The second time is now.
When I am engaged nonetheless.
I have been so lonely here in with so much problem..
When I met him, it seems like I feel happier, and that there is a huge comfort in having a friend..
Especially when I had such bad experience in the cell group..
Stupid me, thinking it was all that simple..
It got complicated.....

Complicated life.
Complicated everything.

The one about heartbreaking songs that makes you wanna die

It's one of those days, that the sun doesn't shine your way, and everything seems wrong..
I'm such an emotional person.
I feel so down with everything that's been happening, and also hopeless in what's to come, that I cried on my way home..
I gave up my career and life and friends in Singapore to come back home to family..
Yet the bitter truth dawns upon me as soon as I got back..
That my family is beyond damaged, and that none of them even give the slightest damn about my life..
No-one can help me, that's fine...
But what's worse is that I lost my freedom, and I got judged for every decisions I made..

Life sucks!

Back to square one:
Listening to heartbreaking songs that makes you wanna die.
Indeed back to my natural habit..

End of another Chapter

My Looooooooooooooooooooong Awaited Australia Trip

Finally..
And I really, really mean FINALLY!
Finally I visited Australia!
I have always, always wanted to go and study/ live there for as long as I remember..
Circa year 2000, probably as I finish Primary School, I wanted to go to Australia..
The urge and want increases throughout my Secondary School year and I missed my opportunity when I continue JC here..
Looking back, it was the best time to make my move after my O Levels because I did very well and would've easily gotten in any College I want with my grades..
I know I would've chose Trinity College without question coz I want to be in Melb U so bad!!
But yeah, I missed that chance, and again after A level.
After A, I thought I have resolutely decide to go there as I applied for their Univeristies..
But my A was so bad that I can't get in Melb U and Uni of Adelaide.
I got in Uni of South Australia which wasn't bad I think, but I couldn't make the leap..
So I got in NTU.. And from there the story goes..
I graduated and worked 1.5 years and at longgggggggggggg last, I went there last week! :'( *tears of joy*
Could not have made this possible without my loving, special someone. :)

I really enjoyed this trip, even more than Korea because the weather in Australia win BIG TIME!
It was Autumn compared to the sizzling HOT Summer of Korea!
I can finally wear so many clothes I wanted to wear instead of my usual uniform of t-shirt, shorts and sandals..
I love leggings and stockings, ballet flats and scarves, jacket and boots!!! :D
The food there was amazing.. Western, Asian, it is all very good!!

I am having my post-travel depression now.. :(
Gonna start blogging my Australia journey in detail soon!! :D

Time to plan for next trip!
Europe in Autumn/Winter, Korea in Autumn, Australia AGAIN!!!
U.S too in Autumn/Spring, New Zealand!!

Hello 808

Finally, moved out!
:)
Feeling so chipper and happy..
Bird singing, sun shining, wind blowing etc etc..
:D
Not saying the new place is perfect, but it is definitely better!
Loving my new room because it has a bay window!
Nice view of Mc Ritchie from my window! :)

Once I have settled in the new place, time to be more active again!
Cut the negativity away, start anew! :D
Australia bound soon!
Can't wait to go to my dream country..
And also my first Autumn! :)
Think of all the coats and leggings I can finally wear. XP

It is very encouraging when friends are happy for my happiness..
That's the trait of true friends..

Life's looking up. :)
Keep looking up I hope..

Life decision

The only thing I am excited about is to leave Singapore.

Nothing left here for me anymore beside shopping. =p

I am going back to Bandung in June. 

Yes, that's my plan..

Roadblock: tuition grant bond

The only obstruction in my way with a cost of ~$86,000..

Is it worth it for 1.5 year of my life?

Or is there any other way?

What am I going to do when I go back?

There are many things I want to pursue but they are just hobbies..

Business? I know nothing about it.. What am I going to sell?

But anything is better than working here I suppose..

给自己加油，为更好的明天！

Wedding Season

2013 is officially the start of Wedding season..
Everyone around me seems to be getting married..
My brother, my primary school friend, and just last week, my ex-best friend got married!

I saw the pictures on FB and I wasn't invited :(
Can't blame her, we haven't spoken to each other for years..
Our last encounter was in NTU when we accidentally bumped into each other..
And she got married to a guy I once had a crush on in Secondary school..
And.. And.. At that time she knew I liked him and even try to help me get close to him..
Typical high school drama?
Back then they knew each other much longer before I met him..
They serve in the same church, and was in the same cell group for some time..
I joined in then because my other best friend started to go the church and joined that cell group too..
I liked him for his boyish charm, his ability to play sport and music!
It was a full-fledged crazy teenage crush and it was fun..
M/y ex-best friend wanted to help me but even then I knew they were very close..
I asked her whether she liked him too and she denied fervently.
We were so close, even though we were from different school.
We hung out on weekends, she even stayed over at my house a few times and played/studied together in my house many times..
Even now, as our friendship has became estranged, I still smile thinking of all the good memories we once shared.. :)

She was a kind person. She saw me cry when I told her stories about my family and other stuff.
So when did it all end?
Well suddenly we grew apart..
I am not sure is it because of something I did, or something I said?
I still am not sure even up till now..
I have tried to get in touch with her again and again over time, but it ended with nothing more but pleasantries.
My friend said maybe it's because that was when she and that guy I used to like get together.
That she felt awkward? Well, that could be it..
But I think my crush wasn't that serious and she shouldn't feel that way..
Anyway, what's happened can't be rewind.

I am just glad that now I can smile thinking of our sweet friendship.
I am also happy with my life now.
I do complain a lot, feel inferior a lot..
But I have support from my existing friends.
Even at work, I made a few great friends that made my life happier..
I should really be grateful for the opportunities given to me..

And finally, my day will arrive too! Just not in the near future!!
Now I am happy to browse through others' wedding, gathering idea on how I would like mine to be when that day came!

P.S: LAST WORK WEEK OF 2013!! ~